WHY WE SHOULD SEE THE GOOD IN OUR EX-PARTNER
In life, we often get into a habit of noticing the negative rather than the positive. Take a rainy day as an example. If we wake to the sound of rain, we tend to be disappointed. As we encounter people throughout the day, we refer to the day as 'awful' or 'not a nice day'. This as apposed to seeing the rain as a positive. A lack of clean drinkable water happens to be the leading contributor to death in many countries. It's also vital for horticulture and agriculture...our food! But we still manage to see it as a negative. If we don't pay attention to the way we view things, we have a tendency to see life in a glass half empty way.
When talking to separated couples, there is the same common theme. It’s far easier to say what we don’t want, or don't like in our former partner. Its easier to point out the other person's faults, rather than their worth. We allow ourselves to focus on the negative, despite the presence of positive. We also allow ourselves to be resentful, and that does not feel good.
Stan Catkin, the founder of the psychobiological approach to couple therapy, proposes that people are better built for war than love. Sometimes it seems that way.
We say, “Stop being so angry,” instead of, “I wish you would tell me what’s upsetting you.”
Or, “You’re always get it wrong!” instead of, “I feel frustrated, and would appreciate your help.”
Criticism is Destructive
The problem with expressing needs in a negative way is it comes off like criticism. Despite what some people say, there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism triggers a person to become defensive and protect themselves from an attack, which blocks the resolution of a conflict, and prevents people from having their needs met.
It doesn’t matter how much trust there is in a relationship, it’s nearly impossible for someone to listen to a personal attack without becoming defensive. This is true even for very happy couples that are still together. As witnessed in Dr. Gottman’s Love Lab, on the rare occasion that one happily coupled partner began a complaint with criticism, the other partner became defensive.
For conflict conversations to succeed, you must state your feelings as neutrally as possible and transform any complaint about your partner into a positive need.
It is important to note that the negative emotions that lead us to blame or criticize are often signpost of what we value most. Think of a negative emotion as a clue to your hidden wish. When you express that hidden desire, you’re more likely to make that wish come true.
For example, hidden underneath anger may be feelings of sadness. When you become aware of that sadness, you can ask your partner for the things you need to feel more supported and understood.
Dr. Gottman has discovered that partners need to listen to each other before problem-solving. After witnessing thousands of couples fighting, he discovered that the masters of relationships did one powerful thing: they transformed their criticisms into wishes.
The Courageousness of Wishes
Blaming our partner or hiding our feelings by criticizing is easy. Speaking our feelings and fears requires a willingness to be vulnerable. Often this vulnerability is mistaken as a sign of weakness, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s a willingness to drop your shield and expose the unguarded underbelly of your fears, doubts, and insecurities.
Because of this discomfort, many of us avoid being truly vulnerable with our former partners. But as I have come to learn, owning my fears and insecurities and then naming them in my is actually a strength. As Brené Brown puts it, “Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage.”
It’s also important to not wait for conflict to happen to be vulnerable and express wishes in a positive way. Pay attention to ways you can proactively be vulnerable with each other outside of heated exchange.
And remember to see the good in your former partner. Its important to still value each other, and not use an abusive style of communication, as a failure to do so does impact on the parent, and therefore the children.
Take care!