Is you ex-partner getting defensive when you communicate?
By Jeremy Limpens
I recently had a client show me a long defensive e-mail they received from their ex-partner. They went onto suggest that this type of 'angry' response was common. I was less interested in his response, and more interested in the e-mail that proceeded the response.
And sure enough, there it was. A message that contained the word 'you'. Let me explain!
Ideally, communication has a goal of expressing your needs while also showing the other party mutual respect. An important aspect of communication is known as "I" messages or "I" statements.
“I” messages clearly state what you want in a way that someone will understand and, more importantly, not get defensive. Its free of accusatory, blaming, inflammatory statements. Simply put, 'you' statements. As a result, people become defensive, they may get angry, accusatory in return, or ignore parts of what you are saying. As a result, the original message becomes lost, and the ability to communicate breaks down. In many cases, this style of communication was present during prior to separation, and may have even contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, but its never to late to change your ways!
When you use “I” messages, you focus on your personal interpretation. Your experience is harder to argue with because it’s yours and yours alone. Someone might not agree with how you interpreted a behaviour, but they are less likely to feel personally attacked by you expressing the experience as your own. As a result, “I” messages tend to reduce the likelihood of someone feeling criticized and may increase their likelihood of responding more favourably.
How ‘I’ Messages Work
An emotion or a feeling is one word. If you say, “I feel like you aren’t listening to me,” that’s not an emotion or feeling. Feelings may include: anger, frustration, confusion, guilt, encouragement, gratitude, happiness— you get the point. When you begin a conversation with “I feel” and then express an emotion, you are putting your perspective first. This reminds the person you are talking to that this is how you feel and not about what they did to you.
Once you have expressed the emotion you are feeling, describe what happened. Try to avoid saying “you” whenever possible. Again, this is about keeping the other person’s defenses down. Instead of saying, “I feel annoyed when you don't put sunscreen on the kids,” say, “I feel worried when the kids get too much sun.” As another example, instead of, “I feel your inconsiderate when you...... ,” try, “I feel frustrated when I’m not included in deciding what activities the children become involved in.”
After you get the feeling and specific behavior down, you will want to explain why the behavior made you feel that way. This helps the person you are speaking to better understand why it’s so important. It might sound something like this: “I feel left out when I’m not included in plan making because I like to be aware of the schedule.”
Finally, provide a suggestion to take the guesswork out of what you need in the future. Using the last example, a replacement behavior might sound like, “I feel left out when I’m not included in plan making because I like to be aware of the schedule. I would prefer if you could send me an email before committing to ensure it works with my schedule.” Sometimes there might not be an immediate solution, but even saying, “Can we talk about this further?” can be a good start.
The opposite of an “I” message is a “you” message. “You” messages often sound accusatory and tend to put people on the defensive. As soon as someone hears “you,” preparing for an attack is a common reaction. The goal of “I” messages is to diffuse that possibility, and instead enable a more meaningful discussion.
Rather that acting surprised when your former partner, or any person your communicating with becomes defensive, ask yourself how did you contribute to this situation, and how could I communicate my message differently.
Finally, it is important to remember that when using assertive communication there is no guarantee you will actually get the new behavior from the other person. “I” messages will only increase the chances of getting something you want, but they often won’t get you everything you want.
The true goal for utilizing “I” messages is to improve your overall communication to one of mutual respect and increase your confidence when speaking about touchy subjects. “I” messages take practice, so be patient with yourself as you get the hang of it. Over time, you will hopefully notice a reduction in petty arguments, criticism, and defensive reactions.