WHY DOING NOTHING DURING DIVORCE AND SEPARATION IS IMPORTANT
Its a well established fact that going through divorce and separation is one of the most stressful life events. Some would say its more stressful than experiencing the death of a loved one. The journey triggers of a range of emotions, from anger to despair, fear and sadness, depression and anxiety, loneliness and helplessness. Our flight or flight response can be triggered into overdrive. As a result, making the most basic day to day decision can be challenging, let alone having the ability to sift though more complex decisions relating to parenting plans and financial settlements. Then to make matters worse, our former partner maybe acting hostile toward you, or the kids maybe playing up. Either way, its a challenging time which often leads to the assumption that we need to do more in order to make things better.
Sometimes however the best solution is to do absolutely nothing. That's right, nothing.
Its important to simply stop and feel whats arissing within yourself. Whether it be an inflammatory letter from your former partner's solicitor, having to present to court, financial pressure, or overwhelmed by all the 'things' that need to be done, we need to be careful not to fall into the trap of always being on the go. We get stuck in a cycle of task mode, acting more like a human doing, rather than a human being.
The risk of becoming a human doing is that we become disconnected from ourselves and others, including the children. We fail to see that we simply need to stop and rest.
Also, if we attempt to make decisions from a heightened emotional space, we often make the wrong choice, leading onto more problems and often more conflict.
We have become really, really bad at just doing nothing.
Look around: We reach for our smart phone the moment we wake each morning, or while standing around waiting for a bus. Just consider the following fascinating studies where the research subjects were put alone in a room, with nothing to do;
In 11 studies, it was found found that participants typically did not enjoy spending 6 to 15 minutes in a room by themselves with nothing to do but think. They enjoyed doing mundane external activities much more, and that many preferred to administer electric shocks to themselves instead of being left alone with their thoughts. Most people seem to prefer to be doing something rather than nothing, even if that something is negative.
Many people (67 percent of men and 25 percent of women, to be exact) actually gave themselves painful electric shocks instead of just sitting there doing nothing—after they had indicated to the researchers that they would pay money NOT to be shocked again in a previous experiment. One guy shocked himself 190 times in 15 minutes!
Stillness, or the ability to just sit and do nothing in silence, is a skill. As a culture we’re not practicing this skill much these days. When we are incapable of sitting in stillness, we feel uncomfortable when we have downtime. As a result, when we have the possibility of downtime, we cancel it out by seeking external stimulation, which is usually readily available in our purse or pocket. Instead of just staring out the window on the bus, for example, we read through our Facebook feed. We check our email waiting in line at the grocery store. Instead of enjoying our dinner, we mindlessly shovel food in our mouths while staring at a screen.
This might seem relatively harmless, however there is a problem with this unconsious habitual behavior: We human beings need stillness in order to recharge our batteries. The constant stream of external stimulation that we get from our televisions and computers and smart phones, which seem gratifying in the moment, ultimately causes what neuroscientists call “cognitive overload.” Then add all of the stressors associated with divorce and separation, its as though our brain is stuck overdrive, making it hard to slowdown and sleep.
This state of feeling overwhelmed impairs our ability to think creatively, to plan, organize, innovate, solve problems, make decisions, resist temptations, learn new things easily, speak fluently, remember important social information, and control our emotions. It also impairs our ability to be effective in our relationships (Goleman, Daniel. Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence. New York: Harper, 2013).
But wait, there’s more: We only experience a sense of true happiness and real gratitude, along many other positive emotions that make our lives worth living, by actually being in touch with our emotions. In an attempt to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that stillness can produce, such as the panic we feel when we aren’t getting enough done, we end up numbing ourselves to the ‘positive’ feelings in our lives. Research suggests that being present to what we’re feeling and experiencing in the moment, whether it be good or bad, is better for our level of happiness in the long term. And as you know, there are plenty of uncomfortable feelings during divorce.
Here’s the main take-away: If we want to be high-functioning and happy, and work effectively though our journey of separation, we need to re-learn how to be still. When we feel like there isn’t enough time in the day for us to get everything done, when we wish for more time… we don’t actually need more time. We need more stillness. Stillness to recharge. Stillness so that we can feel whatever it is that we feel. Stillness so that we can actually enjoy this life that we are living.
So if you are feeling overwhelmed and time-starved: Stop. Remember that what you need more than time (to work, to check tasks off your list) is downtime, without stimulation.
The antidote
As a society, we don’t just need to learn to tolerate stillness, we actually need to cultivate it. Fortunately, it’s not complicated. It does however require some discipline, focus and practice. The following are some examples of practicing the important and long lost art of stillness.
Try driving in silence, with your radio and phone off. (Encourage your children to look out the window while you drive them, instead of down at their devices.)
Eat meals out of the sight and sound of your phones and televisions. Make an effort to taste your food. Not just the first few bits, but rather the whole meal.
Take a walk outside every day, preferably in nature, without a phone or music player.
When you first wakeup in the morning, simply lay still and just notice the silence around you, and the sensations within your body.
Try a mindfulness meditation exercise, 10 - 60- minutes. Using a guided meditation audio recording will help you focus, and with each practice comes the ability to bring our attention to the present moment.
If it’s hard, just try a few minutes at a time, adding a few minutes each day. Just practice; it’ll get easier, and the benefits will become more apparent.
Written by: Jeremy Limpens